How Do I Start A Conversation with My Parent?

Many people tell me they want to start a conversation with their parents, but find it awkward and uncomfortable. My advice is not to frame it as “so you are getting old — I want to captures your stories before its too late.” Instead, initiate in a way that feels natural, based on your inherent curiosity and wanting to get to know them better. Here are few tips:

• Start with a photo. This is always a great conversation starter, that often unlocks a lot of memories. Look at it, and ask them questions: What do you remember about when this photo was taken? What happened before and after? Where is that person now? Who took the photo? This comes up with Backstory all of the time. People send me photos, which become the launching point for years, and even decades, of memories.

• Use an object. Objects elicit memories and can be excellent conversation starters. When I was growing up, my parents had a very unique table. I never asked much about it, but when I did I uncovered an amazing story of an artist they had met in Woodstock, New York. They bought a painting of his on fabric, and then wanted to do something special with it so they had it lacquered into an oak table! This example is a bit extreme, but the objects you choose don’t have to be expensive or rare. A feather that someone kept after a trip, a rock from a local beach, anything is fodder for conversation. Of course, in addition to asking about an object you are curious about, you can ask them which object is important to them, and why.

• It sounds obvious, but. .. Listen! Try not to interrupt or add at the beginning. Be patient if they speak slowly. Practice active listening by showing you are paying attention through nodding, smiling, or anything else that feels natural.

• Focus on one topic at a time. Resist the urge to jump around between several topics, so they can let their memory flow.

• Keep the conversation going. Ask questions such as, “What happened next?” or “Can you tell me more about that?”